What is shyness?
 Shyness is when children do not join in with others but they would like to.

It can mean:

• not speaking to others, even when asked a direct question
• not taking part in games and activities
• not going into places such as the school playground unless they are with someone they know
• being very embarrassed if they get attention - even good attention

What causes shyness?
When children prefer to play alone it is not always because they are shy; it can be for many different reasons. It can be that they need some quiet time, that they are busy with a project or that they are unwell or unhappy.

If they do not seem to have any friends at all and this goes on, it is worth talking to a health professional about it because there may be reasons that could be helped.

Some reasons for shyness include:
 

• being "born shy" - some babies seem to be more "sensitive" and easily frightened from birth on
   

• the whole family do not relate easily to other people - shy parents are more likely to have shy children - but not always
   

• the child may be afraid to be separated from the people he knows best - this is common in the preschool years
   

• the child may have lived fairly quietly in early childhood and not have had the opportunity to meet many other people, so the world seems more scary until he gets used to it
   

• a child who has not had many children to play with may be shy with children at first, but quite at ease with adults
   

• some children are afraid of doing the wrong thing or making a mistake if they join in
   

• the child has been pushed to do things before he was ready to - too high expectations
   

• the child has very fearful parents, who try very hard to protect him but this can make him afraid of the world
   

• the child has been ill-treated and is fearful
   

• the child has a disability or hearing loss that makes social life more difficult for him
   

• the child is very much more interested in things than in people, or does not seem to be able to understand how to relate to others - this can be caused by a developmental problem and if it happens most of the time, needs to be checked by a health professional. (The topic 'Asperger Syndrome' has information about one type of developmental problem which causes difficulty with relationships.)

Most babies between about 6 months and 3 years old are "shy" in that they are afraid of strangers and likely to cling to the people they know well. This is a normal part of developing trust in a scary world. By the time they are three or four most children want to join in and play with others, at least some of the time.

What's good and what's hard about shyness?

The good

• Shy children often do well at school because they concentrate on their school work
• Shy children are not likely to get into trouble for misbehaving.
• Shy children are often liked by adults because they are easy to care for.
• Shy children are often liked by children because they are not aggressive.
• Shy children are often good listeners.

The hard

• Shy children may be unhappy and lonely.
• They do not get practice in learning to get on with others.
• They are often overlooked by teachers and other adults.
• Shyness can cause stress which leads to physical problems such as tummy aches and headaches.
• Shy children may miss out on lots of opportunities.